Chapter Seven

      Tom led me through the shrubbery and out to the banks of a river.  “Ah good!  There he is!  Captain Stockings.  Looks like his ship is still docked.  Let’s go on down and see if he’ll let you ride aboard the Red Feather."
 He set off toward the dock waving his arm and shouting out a greeting.   As we approached the dock, I took in the view of the ‘ship’, bouncing and rocking in the river.  It was painted black and built in the shape of a large pirate’s hat and had a large red feather coming up out of the center like a giant mast.  I realized that a ship on a river would have no need for a sail as it wouldn’t need to catch the wind to push it along the water.  The current would do that all on its own.
A tall, sandy haired villainous looking man was standing off to one side at the top of the ramp leading up into the ship and several young lads were loading crates onto the deck.  Some were labeled ‘China’ and others were labeled ‘Stockings’.
“Ahoy there Captain!  May I have a word?”  called out Tom.
The captain waved him forward and Tom went up to speak to the man while I stood on the dock.  I saw them pointing and gesturing towards me and assumed Tom was working out the details to get me a ride to Thursday.  A few minutes later he returned to the dock and said, “Captain says you’re welcome to ride along.  He’ll get you on to Thursday via the river.  Up you go then.  Nice meetin’ ya and hope there was no offense taken at my fun.”
 “Thank you so much, Tom, for working out this ride for me.  Can’t say I’m offended but I still think you’re quite impossible with your pranks, you might consider easing off them next time you have a visitor.  Please pat the Odd Duck for me.  I did rather enjoy meeting her.”  I waved good bye and walked up the ramp and onto the ship.
The Captain gave a bow and introduced himself.  “Aye, good day Miss, Lady, Miss.  I’m Captain Stockings and welcome to the Wed Feathah.  We’ah happy to escowt you down the Wivah Wednesday!”
 Clearly he was having trouble with his ‘R’s’ but I would not be so rude as to mention it.  Instead, I bowed in return and said,  “Thank you so kindly Captain.  My name is Justa  Smidge and I’m very happy not to have to walk my way back to Thursday.  You have a very lovely ship!”
 “Ah, yes.  Built it myself I did.  Befowe bwinging on me hawty cwew.”  Here, he paused and looked around for his crew.  “Ah, must be below deck at the moment.  I’ll just shove off and then take you on down to meet the-” he stopped what he was saying and tilting his head he stared at my hands.  “Is that silvah tablewayah on yo fingahs?”
“Yes it is.  I designed them myself.”  I waggled my fingers so he could see my rings shine.
 He nodded once and smiled.  Then he turned abruptly and marched to the side of the ship where he cranked up an anchor and untied the ropes looped onto the dock, then gave a spin of his wheel and the ship took off swiftly down the river.   He pulled a telescope out of his pocket, held it to his eye for a moment, then placed it back into his coat pocket and gestured for me to follow him into the ship’s cabin.
 He was wearing a black coat, which came just below his waist and black knickers which ended at his knees.  He had boots on but I couldn’t see them for they were covered by long, knee high, red stockings with a pattern of black feathers, pulled over his boots.  His long, sandy colored hair was parted in the middle and pulled back into a pony tail and he had several earrings in both ears, and several rings around most of his fingers.  In place of a mustache, he had two gold hooks, glued to his upper lip, both curling outwards towards the corners of his mouth and a small red feather glued to his chin in place of a goatee.
We entered the cabin and climbed down some stairs into the bottom of the ship.  I held tight to the hand rail made of rope as the ship was swaying quite fiercely due to the river current.  We were met immediately by the sound of crashing dishes.  As we entered the galley, I saw the source of the noise.  There were china plates and cups and bowls, sliding out of door-less cupboards and smashing onto the floor.  There were two small, bearded men, both wearing pointed red hats, green pants and wooden clogs, picking up the larger pieces of china and throwing them back onto the floor to smash them into smaller pieces.
“Smashing fellows, awe they not?”  The Captain held his hand out towards the small men. “Go thwough a lot of dishes I do.  Thought about going to papah yeahs ago but that didn’t go ovah well with all the watah and sea mist.  Not to mention the shotage of twees fo papah.”  Said the Captain, brushing some of the smashed china with his stockinged foot.
 “What about a shortage of china?”  I asked over the noise.
“Are you saying the Chinese awe showt miss?  I’ll have you know that half of the people in the wold awe below avewage!”  He answered.
“Not saying that at all, just wondering about the dishes.  If you ever run out.”  I explained .
 “We pick up new shipments wegulaly.  That’s what we wew doing at the dock just now.  Two of the most impowtant things in the wold, china and stockings!”
“Why do you wear your stockings outside of your boots?”  I dared to ask.
“Deah Miss Smidge, wouldn’t want to covah up good stockings with ugly old boots would we?”  He eyed my own boots and his lip curled up with disdain.
 “Anyhow,” he went on, “Meet the cwew.  Jack and Jacques.”
 The two small men, stopped smashing dishes and turned to me and grinned through their white beards showing gold teeth.
“Up top cwew!  Up top!  Keep the ship on cowse!  We’ll be taking Miss Smidge as faw as Thuwsday.  Plan to stop and anchow theyah.”
 Jack and Jacques headed quickly up on their short little legs to the top deck and we followed behind.
Back on top, Captain Stockings took the wheel.  One of the little men went to the back of the ship and began waving and gesturing at something down below and the other began to climb the feather mast, wearing clogs, which I’m sure was very difficult.
“Seems like your crew really knows what they’re doing.  They seem very experienced.”  I complimented.
 The Captain replied, “Yes, they have been vewy valuable to me in the wunning of the Wed Feathah.  Befow they came to me, I was on my own, to wun the ship and sewch fo tweasah.  It was duwing one of my tweasah hunts that I came acwoss them.  Ovah at the Fwiday Fountain,  stealing theyah weight in wishes and coins.  It was I that taught them the diffewence between one penny and anothah. You see, a penny thwown in as a wish fo a castle is of highah value than one used to wish fo a cow.”  He explained.  “Jack and Jacques had just fled the Gawdens of Gnome.”
“Oh dear.  What were they fleeing from?”  I asked.
“Bowedom mostly.  Although thewe have been tales of giant moles,  sinking houses and eating all in sight within the Gawdens.  These two, howevah, weah looking fo adventuah!”
 “Giant moles!" I gasped,  "How dreadful!  It is good you found them.   What’s that one doing out back there?”  I pointed at the small man, pulling on a rope and clapping his hands at the back of the ship, very excitedly.
 “He’s assisting Scally Wag, the othah membah of my cwew.  Come!  This is something you must see.  It’s not evewy day you get to watch a squiwel watah ski!”
We went to the back of the ship and peered over the rail.  Down below was a rope tied to the ship, at the other end was a handle and holding onto that handle was a squirrel, standing on skis!  A real, live squirrel.  Water skiing behind a pirate ship on a river!
“Oh my goodness!”  I exclaimed.  “I’ve never seen such a thing.  It’s magnificent!”
“Yes, yes, I know.  Nomally, a ship this size doesn’t go fast enough for watah skiing behind it, but because this one is on a wivah and the skiah is a small squiwel, it works out pefectly!  Scally!  Scally, come on up heyah!”
The Captain waved up the squirrel.  The small man pulled in the rope until the squirrel could reach up and hop onto to a small platform just above the water on the back of the ship.  Then it scurried up a small ramp and over the ships rail.  The Captain went up to the squirrel and it jumped up to sit on his shoulder.  Turning to me he said, “This is Scally Wag.  The othah membah of my cwew.  His name used to be Desmond Wag but did you evah heah a piwate called Desmond?  Of cowse not.   His family twee was full of nuts and he longed to move on to hoading othah things besides food fo wintah.  So I asked him to join us and named him ‘Scally’, which was much mo fitting.”  At this point the squirrel took out one of the captains’ earrings and shoved it into a tiny pocket in his little pants.
 “Um,” I pointed.  “I believe he just stole your earring.”
 The captain chuckled.  “Ah, yes, he does that.  He steals all my jewels and othah tweasahs I’ve gathahed ovah the yeahs.  Then he hides them fo me to we-find!  You see, theyah’s no mo tweasah in the lands fo me to find.  I’ve found it all and was getting quite bowed, being a piwate with no tweasah hunts to keep me busy, until Scally came up with that bwight idea to we-hide it all.  Now we have endless tweasah hunting fo the west of ow lives!”
“Sounds quite entertaining, treasure hunting with a squirrel.  And he even wears little pants!”  I point out.
 “Well, yes, fine lady.  Can’t have a naked squiwel on bowed.”  replied Captain Stockings.  “He keeps all his knickahs in a bunch down in his quahtahs.  Sleeps on them like a nest.”
 “Sounds very cute!”  I exclaim at the thought of the little furry squirrel, all curled up on his little nest of knickers.
 Apparently he wasn’t fond of being called cute because right as I said it he began a loud chattering and pulled a tiny set of nun- chuks out of his other pocket and began swirling them in the air and looked about to pounce on me and hit me in the nose with them.  I jumped back and apologized right away.
 “Oh! I only meant it as a compliment.  You are such an intelligent squirrel, I’ve never seen the likes!  Tell me, do most squirrels water ski and know how to use nun-chuks?”  I ask Scally.
 At this, the Captain steps forward, calming the squirrel and whispers in my direction, “Scally can not talk.  He’s a squiwel.”
 “Right.  Of course not.”  I reply.
We return to the front of the ship.  I have to hold the rail the whole way to keep from falling with all the rocking and swaying.
 “How many kilometers down the wivah, uh, river until we get to Thursday Captain?”  I ask.
 “Kiloma whats?”  Asks the captain.
“You know, what’s the distance.  Kilometers?”
“We know of no kilometahs, Smidge.”  He replies.
“Ohhhh, do you go by miles around here?”  I ask intrigued.
 “If you’re meaning how to navigate, Miss Smidge, we have no need fo that nonsense.  We go by time and landmahks!”  He says.
“And what about direction?  How do you tell direction Captain?”  I ask.
 “Why, fowahd and backwahd of cowse!”  He answers, as though it’s obvious.
 “Jack!  Jacques!  Keep a look out for the humps!”  Then he turns to me again.  “The Humps of the Wivah Wednesday can make you quite sea sick.  Tales say they weah made by the same giant moles of the Gawdens of Gnome.  The moles dug homes beneath the wivah, waising the eawth in lawge mounds which caused the wivah to have to flow up and down ovah them.”  He explains.  “Once we awe past them, we’ll come to a fowk in the wivah and we’ll take the wight.  That will be Thuwsday.”
“Well, that doesn’t sound too far.  The sickness part doesn’t sound too nice though.”
The two little men hurried about the deck with no trouble at all, even though the ship was still bouncing and swaying in the current.
 “Which one is Jack and which one is Jacques?”  I asked Captain Stockings.  Both men looked identical to me.
“Jack is the one with the funny accent.”  He replied simply.
I tilted my head at him and asked, “Do they ever speak?”
 “Hmm.”  Thought the Captain. “Now that you mention it, not often.”
“So, Jack and Jacques don’t speak often and Scally can’t talk because he’s a squirrel, so does that mean you do all the talking on this ship?”  I ask.
 “I suppose I do!”  The captain replied and smiled at that.
 “How unfortunate.”  I mutter.  “I mean, unfortunate that you don’t have anyone to talk to regularly.”
 “Cowect!  Which makes for a vewy agweeable cwew!”  replied the captain.
 Scally started chattering away and leapt off the captain’s shoulder to run along the rails and grab at ropes.
 “Although,” said Captain Stockings, “Scally may not be able to talk but he still makes plenty of noise.  Enough, sometimes, fo a cwew of twenty sailows!  Added to by the incessant buzzing of that dwatted fly when he ventuwes to cuwse us with his visits aboahd!”
 “Ah.  I hear he’s positively horrid!”  I say.
“Yes, but now it’s ‘Lowd Positively Howid’ I heah.”  The captain says in a nasaly, mocking tone.  “His kind have seen fit to elevate him by title.  I should think they can keep the ‘Lowd’ pawt soley to theyah Outah Houses, which I fo one, nevah plan to step stocking in!”
“Will I have the, er, pleasure of meeting Lord Horrid?  Will he visit the ship while I’m aboard do you think?”  I ask.  I’ve heard enough about this fly that I am quite curious and would at least like a glimpse of a fly lord.
 “Pleasuah?!”  Snaps Captain Stockings sharply.  “You awe an odd guhl!  Pleasah is opening new shipments of stockings!  Not meeting a dwatted fly.  Lowd or not!  Will you meet him?  It’s possible, although he usually only ventuwes ovah wheyah theyahs a smell wooth investigating and .." (sniff, sniff) the captain steps up close and sniffs at my face.  “Ah, I dawe say you do smell odd, but not odd enough!  What is that?  Cinnamon?”
I step back offended.  “I beg your pardon!  I do not smell odd!”  I say.
 “Oh, take no offense, you awe quite possibly wight.  It’s pwobably just the awthwitis in my nose.  Always thwowing off my smell.”  Said Captain Stockings.
“Arthritis?  In your nose?  I didn’t know that was possible.” I remark.
 “Yes, it happened duwing my accident.  One of my tweasuah hunts.  Fell to the bottom of a well.  My mustache had to be amputated and my nose was bwoken.  Had to have this awtificial mustache attached.”  Explained the Captain, twitching his lip which caused the two gold hooks to wiggle.
Just then the ship began to tilt upward at a very steep angle and everything un-attached slid to the back.  Including myself.
“Hold on!” commanded the Captain.
I grabbed the rail and found a rope which I tied around my waist and secured to a metal ring on the side of the cabin wall.
 “Hewe come the humps!  Twy not to get sick!”
The rest of the crew scurried around the ship, here and there, bracing crates and pulling ropes.  After the third climb and then descent, which felt like a water slide, my stomach began to churn and I’m sure my face turned green.  Two ‘humps’ later, I was lying on the deck, pressing my face onto the cold, wet wood and glad I hadn’t eaten much after all. 
“All ovah!  The wivah should be smooth from heyah on out.”  Called the captain.
 I waited until my stomach had settled and my head quit spinning, then sat upright and regained my composure.  Sure enough, the water became very flat and calm and the ship glided along smoothly.
We rounded a slight bend in the river and then up ahead everything disappeared into a thick fog.  We were inside it within a minute and an eerie feeling crept over the ship.  Everything got dark and I could barely see my hand in front of my face.
 “Awwghhhhh!”  Growled the captain.  He looked around for a moment then climbed up onto a balcony at the front of the ship.  “Jack!  Jacques!  Wheyah is it!?”
 Jack and Jacques both turned to look up at Captain Stockings, then looked at each other and shrugged.
 “I haven’t got the foggiest idea!”  shouted the captain.  “Who took the foggiest idea?  Scally Wag! Have you stolen the foggiest idea?”
 The squirrel ran past me towards the Captain, who I could not see through the fog.  I heard him talking to Scally sternly.
“I told you, you could steal anything you like but none of the impowtant bits for the ship!  Now, go bwing it back heyah!”
The squirrel took off back past me into the cabin.
“What’s the foggiest idea?”  I called out.
The captain walked towards me until I could see his shape.  “It’s a device that Jacques invented, clevah fellow, to help us thwoo the foggiest pawts of the wivah.”  Captain Stockings explained.
 Just then a bright light cut through the fog from the balcony up front.
“Aha!  It’s back!  Thanks much Scally, we could have hit wocks oh the showe or the fowk in the wivah!  Nevah mess with this again!”  The captain scolded while running back up to the balcony.
 I made my way up behind him, holding onto the rail to find my way.
 “His idea was a light bulb?” I ask.
“Yes!  A light bulb to shine thwoo the fog.  Most light bulbs bounce off fog, they awe fluffy clouds aftah all, sitting down amongst us as if we invited them fo tea.  This idea of Jacques, is a light bulb that cuts thwoo the fog.  We’d be dead without it.”  explained the captain.  Just then a bell started clanging from the area of the mast.  “Fowk!  Fowk in the wivah!”  Yelled the captain and he and Jack, uh Jacques, spun the wheel to the right and the ship turned, leaning hard on it’s side, cutting through the water and then righting itself again.
 “Onward to Thuwsday!”  shouted the captain.  “Pwepawe to anchah!”
 Once again, the ship became chaos.  I assumed we were about to dock in Thursday.  Thursday!  I was finally there!  I could finally end this night and close up the haberdashery and go home!  I held onto the rail and leaned out to catch a view.  The fog cleared just as we slowed and the ship pulled up to a half rotted dock, leaning precariously to the right.  The ramp was lowered and I found my basket and started down to the dock.  Then, remembering my manners, I ran back up and thanked Captain Stockings for allowing me to travel with him.  I thought I owed him something to pay my way so I slipped off my silver fork ring and handed it to him.
 “ Something to add to your treasure trove.  Maybe when you see it, you’ll think of the fork in the river, which takes you to Thursday and you’ll think of me.”  I said.
 Scally climbed up on my shoulder and hooked a small red feather into my hair with a small gold hook, chattered something, which I could not understand and hopped down into my basket.  “Oh! Thank you Scally!  It’s been so nice to meet you.  You are the finest squirrel I’ve ever known.  I think you might be able to use these more than I would.”  I took off my silver spoon and knife rings and slid the spoon ring over his left front paw and the knife ring over his right.  I figured, if he wanted, they were about the right size for him to duel with.  The knife as a sword and the spoon as a shield.  He seemed very pleased with them but wouldn’t get out of the basket.  “Scally, could you use this basket to keep your knickers bunched up in?”
 He looked up at me with his small brown squirrel eyes and then started turning circles, very quickly in the basket and then laid down in the middle, head tucked under his fluffy tail.
I handed the basket to Captain Stockings, waved goodbye to Jack & Jacques who smiled back with their gold teeth and off I went.